Yesterday. I woke up drunk, went to work drunk, lasted there for 8 hours enduring my boss’s annoying fucking face and voice and criticisms. I had crazy deja vu while in the back room and then realized it wasn’t deja vu, it was a memory being lived of a dream i wrote down a year ago. I can actually find the dream on my other blog. It was real. Then it was my lunch break and I didn’t want to eat anything so I sat and smoked outside and listed loudly to my new songs, fourteen of them. During a particular song that reminds me of Anna, the crescendo came up while a huge gust of wind blew on me as well. There was so much emotion I couldn’t handle. I started sobbing right there. Then, back to work, my whole body ached for everything that used to be familiar. All my attempt in desperation to get certain things back—just suddenly became apparent that they were just a waste. I’m never going to be the same with my sister. It’s never going to be like when we would laugh and laugh for hours, knowing exactly what the other was thinking. She doesn’t even believe she is my sister. So yesterday, during the last half hour of the shift I was covering for my insanely and wonderfully nice coworker, Morgan, I trained my mind to stop thinking about anything except the drinks I was making. Cold bar, hot bar, I was in charge of both. Fourteen cups turned into twenty, turning into twenty-six and I didn’t even fucking care that no one helped. It was systematic. I was a fucking machine. It reminded me of being on speed and doing my biology and math homework, or typing. Austin came up to me and complimented my work ethic, to which I replied, “Thanks, I know.” I clocked out ten minutes late, grabbed my tips, grabbed my free drink, went home completely delirious and screaming, and then I went to the barber shop and cut off all of my hair.
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